Revolutionary Soul

deadmau5:

I’m sure alot of you know the feeling. But i am completely going insane right now… my health is shot to god knows what extent of shit, even though im willing to accept the very likely fact that nothing is wrong with me, aside from stress, pressure, and commitment issues.

I haven’t left my house in nearly a month now. Lindsey’s been here for a couple weeks, but it looks like that not working out either, so that’s going to change YET AGAIN im sure. Not surprised one bit. I thought i was able to come up with some kind of plan, or at least work on a few issues, or whatever… seems it’s always up to me to “figure the thing out” and since pretty much EVERYTHING in my life seems so one-sided in so many ways… its time for me to just throw my hands up in the air and give up on a few things that just make no sense.

That instelf has been enough stress for me tonight. Im sick of fucking fighting over the most benine shit, sick of getting all pissed off at eachothers pasts… as if being upset over something that’s happened and over with has some kind of mutual benefit in the future. Fuck all of that.

My house is in a somewhat liveable semi-chaotic state of never ending construction, dust more or less covering everything, but thats okay, it’ll all be done sooner than later…. so i can deal with it. I feel like im falling short this year just by sitting here trying to noodle away on a couple computers to lick out some kinda “epic hit” meanwhile i have a million dollar studio 14 feet behind me that i just cant get in yet and start polishing ideas up…. and im stressed out that theres a lag now, o the catch up period once im in theres isnt really going to be all that fun either.

I keep asking myself what my ideal situation would be, and i can’t really nail that either. Whenever im here, i want to be there. Whenever shes not here, i want to be there, when shes here, i want to fuck off. If anything this stupid constant pursuit of happiness and professional zen is the thing that’s probably fucking me hard right now.

I’d take a vacation if i felt like it would help, but who the fuck likes being alone? I’d make some friends if it would help, but god damn do people ever annoy me. I’m probably starting to sound more like a poster child neurotic than anything else, and maybe thats what my problem is… the causes? who knows. Hyperactive thyroid? psychological issues? yeah.

im going fucking crazy. want to come?

Even stars have the same problems we all have. Joel, man, I don’t know if you’re going to read this, or if it’s going to help, but you’ve helped me through a lot of shit, and it’s been my dream to meet you and just say “Thank you”. I honestly don’t know what I can say to help because I’m not in your position but I’ve felt like you have before. And it sucks. It really does. I hope you get better soon because you should be able to enjoy your life and be happy, because you deserve it